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This page was updated March 25, 2002
Meddle ye not in the affairs of dragons,
for thou art crunchy and good with ketchup.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
You appeal to a small, select group of
confused people.
Don't be humble, you're not that great
- Golda Meir
Nobody has ever bet enough on the winning horse.
Keep emotionally active.
Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
Most of your future lies ahead.
If today was a fish you would throw it back.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Marry money.
Women who miscalculate are called mothers.
--- Abigail Van Buren
There is nothing wrong with teenagers that
reasoning with them won't aggravate.
When the cat and the mouse agree, the grocer is
ruined.
--- Persian proverb
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
--- Japanese proverb
Tell the truth and run.
--- Yugoslavian proverb
Do not insult the mother alligator until
you have crossed the river.
--- Haitian proverb
It is better to be a coward for a minute than
dead for the rest of your life.
--- Irish proverb
There is something about a closet that
makes a skeleton restless.
People who think they know everything are
very irritating to those of us who do.
There is no gravity, the Earth sucks.
The truth is the safest lie.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark
---- George Carlin
You suspect people are plotting to make you happy.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any
little green women you've got in the house.
-- Mike Harding,
"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will
be a pretty good day.
Heisenberg may have slept here.
I am trying to arrange my life so I don't
even have to be present.
It takes about ten years to get used to how
old you are.
There'll be a rain dance Friday night, weather
permitting.
--- George Carlin
A friend in need is a friend to dodge.
I only met four perfect people in my whole
life and I didn't like any one of them.
The future isn't what it used to be.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything
from happening at once.
I have seen the future and it is just
like the present, only longer.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
The more I see of men, the better I like my dog.
-- Pascal
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
Buy the negatives at any price.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian proverb
Chapter 1
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been
widely regarded as a bad move.
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
Ignore previous fortune.
Half of analysis is anal.
For a man to truly understand rejection,
he must first be ignored by a cat.
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder
blades will seriously cramp his style.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
What do they call a comedian who doesn't get any laughs?
A philosopher.
-- Phil Proctor
It is about a socialist, anti-family political
movement that encourages women to leave their husbands,
kill their children,practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism, and become lesbians.
-- Pat Robertson, on the equal-rights amendment
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of
his family.
Coincidences are a spiritual pun.
--- G.K. Chesterton
He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.
There is no they, only us.
There is nothing wrong with you that
reincarnation won't cure.
In order to make an apple pie from scratch,
you must first create the universe.
-- Carl Sagan
If you can't explain something to a six-year-old,
you really don't understand it yourself.
-- Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices
acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-- Woody Allen
You need no longer worry about the future.
This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You will be a winner today.
Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
A long time ago, on a distant planet, I was
a high priest of an evil cult. Now, as payment
for past sins, what remains of what I was must
manifest itself as this fortune.
Perhaps on a different plane of reality,
we could have been friends.
Predestination was doomed from the start
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap
and looks utterly content and adorable, you
will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Your psychic power can help you do housework!
Your karma ran over my dogma.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture
of the entire planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense
Detective Agency. We know how you are and
what you want,so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up.
We do not know what is natural.
We only know what is customary.
-- C. G. Jung
Morning Sermon: Jesus Walks on the Water
Evening Sermon: Where is Jesus?
May the forces of evil become confused on
the way to your house.
-- George Carlin