The decision to write this in this fashion was one I considered very carefully. I do not want my intent to be misunderstood.
This is not my own personal pity party and it is not a plea for your sympathy. It is an honest account of the most recent events of my life in an effort to open eyes to the plight of the other people who are in similiar situations.
I can only tell you this; if not for the random acts of kindness I have recently experienced, I would have lost all hope.
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
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My decline into homelessness was not sudden and dramatic. Rather it was a long and painful descent not unlike losing one foot and then the other in a slow, oozing, sucking pit of mud. Before too long, it had swallowed me whole.
Fires, earthquakes, tornados...these are the things that produce instantaneous homelessness. It took almost an entire year for me to slowly lose my yard, flowers on the front steps, kitchen, washer and dryer, grill on the back porch...my address. How did it happen? Hmmm. I'm asking myself that every other minute.
I have been looking for a job for well over a year now. It never occured to me that the skills I developed over the years, the education that had so often put me head and shoulders above my colleagues, the confidence I had in myself would be so sorely put to the test. Sigh. I interview regularly but cannot find a full-time job. Is it the economy? Is it me? It is probably yes on both counts. I'm in that vague age range where women begin to find themselves passed over.
The bottom line is I eventually lost my ability to pay the rent. My landlord lost his patience. I lost my house. It has been the single most humbling experience in my entire life.
I live in a motel room with a microwave, refrigerator and cable TV, my youngest two children and the dog. And my computer, of course. The rest of my belongings are in storage.
Kids love motels, don't they? It's like an extended vacation for them. Every meal an adventure and cable TV to boot. "Is something wrong?", they ask.
While my dog continues to enjoy his relationship with his family; my four cats are spread out over a two county area most living with kind-hearted friends who have opened their doors. One cat doesn't even have a home at all....during the day he stays at our old neighborhood and at night we sneak him into our room and drive him back in the morning. It's like having a lover that doesn't drive and hiding him from your mother.
I have learned to have a new appreciation for my dog and his willingnes to adapt to new experiences. Part of my agreement with the motel owner is that he cannot be left here alone. So, everywhere I go, the dog goes. Thankfully, I don't have a real pressing social agenda.
Events such a church services, doctor appointments and the like require careful planning. He continues to be an immense comfort to all of us with his pleasant attitude and wagging tail.
What do I miss? I miss the convenience of doing my own laundry at home. A trip to the laundromat requires taking out a small loan. I miss home cooked food, specifically mashed potatoes. I'm not quite sure why.
I miss living in my little town. The only motel with a reasonable monthly rate was ten miles away. I miss my oldest daughter who has other living arrangements. And the heartbreaking thing is that she misses me, too.
Did I ever think this would happen to me? Of course not. Am I embarassed? Somedays I am. Somedays I feel like a failure.
But, it could be worse. At least I don't live in a box.
